Many may know, I have set certain goals for weight loss and to run a half marathon in September. I've been feeling really good about my body image lately. Am I satisfied? NO. Do I feel much better about myself? YES. My clothes are looser, I have seen the pounds come off and the inches, and just getting out and being more active is great for my self-esteem. I feel like, I don't look like I want to, but screw you if you think I don't look good, because I know that I'm working on it and getting closer every day to where I want to be, so I FEEL like a million freaking bucks.
On Sunday, I let someone take that feeling away from me.
We were having kind of an impromptu 4th of July/housewarming celebration. I cooked Saturday and got up early to work out Sunday, came home and cooked some more. Later during dinner, the shorts I was wearing were falling down because I've slimmed down a bit and people noticed they were baggier so I felt really good.
After dinner and a lot of people left, we were hanging around until it was time for fireworks. I decided to try on a pair of jeans I've been saving from high school that are one size smaller than I currently wear. They were a little snug, but I felt like after wearing them for a few minutes and sitting down, they loosened up a tad and I was more comfortable. I was so excited!
We went to the fireworks and while waiting a bunch of us were sitting in the back of a friend's truck. I'm acquainted with him through Scott and we have talked and joked before. I don't know if he was trying to be mean or not, he's a little younger than I and may having been showboating for the teenage girls hanging around, but he said a couple of comments about my size.
The one I distinctly remember was, "I think we may be exceding the weight limit for my truck... maybe if Addie wasn't in it!"
Now, I have always been a bigger girl. I will NEVER be a size 2. I'm cool with that. I literally don't think my bone structure would even allow for me to be that small. I remember comments like this from high school, middle school, elementary school. Basically, I felt all of that flooding back to me. I just walked away and went to sit by Scott. He knew something was wrong, but that's a separate story. I didn't want to make a big deal of it.
I was so close to curling up in a ball and crying. I felt awful and in that moment, I didn't want to be there anymore. Whether it was meant to hurt me or not, when you are literally the heaviest person and someone targets you, it doesn't feel funny. If you say it to the twiggy little girl who weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, then it might be funny, because obviously she isn't weighing it down? Get my point?
Anyway, this is why I am going to reveal my weight, my measurements and my pant size. I don't want to be held back by these stupid numbers anymore. I wanted to wait until the end to reveal everything, so that people wouldn't know these numbers while I was still living them. I wanted to be small and say, "See where I came from!" I don't care anymore! I will not let these numbers or anyone hold me back.
I will not allow anyone to make me feel awful about myself again.
So here are the numbers...
UPDATE 1/26/12: Where did 14 inches come from? I just calculated and it should be 9.75. WEIRD.
UPDATE 1/26/12 afternoon: DUH, I have two arms and thighs, I doubled it. BRAIN FART. It still shouldn't be 14 though, should be 13 inches.
2 comments:
I am so proud of you. Keep up the good work. See you in a week and a half.
I have always been proud of you for everything that you have done. You have struggled with many things in your life and i know you have handled them with diginity. This is one more time that you have shown that you are a wonderful person. I have no doubt in my mind that you will reach your goal.
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